How to Get Away with Murder, Literally

I’ve watched enough TV now to have a pretty good handle on how to do this. You’ve got your Law and Order, your CSI, Bones, Cold Case, First 48, The Wire, Dexter, Dragnet, It Takes a Thief, Matlock, Murder She wrote, Monk, Night Court, etc… I mean come on, with all of the quality programming that illustrates the inner workings of the justice system, how are murders even being figured out anymore. Maybe if we were in the Minority Report era I’d understand. But in today’s world, even if you commit a crime of passion there are ways to dispose of the body and remedy your impulsive behavior (see my next post).

1. Wear Proper Attire and Vary It Wear gloves. This one is obvious, but a quality tip nonetheless. Use latex or preferably neoprene seeing as latex allergies are on the rise and if your victim shows signs of a rash, they’ll already know part of your M.O. Don’t use leather; it collects too much DNA, inside and out. You’ll also want to spend time choosing the pair of shoes that’s right for you. Some prefer boots, and for good reason, but if this is your first time, you may want to consider a pair of sneakers. Not only do they allow you to sneak better, they provide wonderful flexibility if you are to make a mistake and allow your victim to let out a yell or a scream and alert a hapless neighbor, in which case you’ll want to make a hasty escape. As you mature, be sure to vary your choice so as not to leave a consistent footprint.

2. Don’t Have a Motive/Kill a stranger This is integral to your success as a murderer. The easiest way for them to find you is if you killed someone in your circle of friends, ESPECIALLY if you have have a motive. I mean sure, you should have a deep-seated motive like curbing overpopulation, but certainly don’t share a bed or a needle or a grandma with your vic. Don’t murder a homeless person, it’s lazy and nobody respects that. But I will say you’d do well to find someone who might as well be homeless. Someone that nobody cares about but still has enough means to protect themselves that your kill garners the appropriate ovation.

3. Make a Clean Kill Look, I’m not here to tell you how to do your job. If you want a bloody gory mess, fine, whatever. It just means a ton more work on cleanup. And we all know that that’s the least interesting and most tedious part of murder. So do yourself a favor and pick a method that is both satisfying and professional. A syringe is nice, chemically induced cardiac arrest? That won’t do it for some people. How about a 6-inch titanium needle through the ear canal? Better yet, ever hear of pithing? With enough practice you can sever a person’s brain from their brain stem, rendering them completely paralyzed, yet conscious. It all depends on the type of murderer you plan to be.

4. Clean up So your victim is dead. Congratulations. Now it’s time to retrace your steps. How did it all go down? Did you have to kick the door in? If so, stage a robbery so as to lead the coppers down the wrong path a little ways. Did the victim scratch your face? You’ll have to take the finger. You could just clean out the nail bed but it’s best to be safe. There are a million things to consider here so if you can’t answer them yourself, just shoot me an email through a proxy, from an anonymous account.

5. Alibi Some people ask me, “But shouldn’t I have an alibi?” The answer is no. Fuck no. Alibi for what? If you even get fingered as a suspect then you deserve to get caught. If you’ve followed my guideline, even loosely, then you’ll never be bothered for crap like that. Let’s say you DID screw up, I’ll grant you one mulligan. Now you need an alibi. Best case scenario, you have a senile grandparent in your care who will claim you were there all night feeding them mush when in reality you built a robotic arm to do it for you. Since not all of us are that lucky, you need to research all the local book signings the night of the event. Be sure to purchase (in person, in cash) a signed copy of the book from that night. When asked where you were at such and such time on such and such night, you tell them you were at the book signing and you show them the proof. A true professional would also read the book and bone up on the author’s background so as to come across as a dedicated fan. Conclusion: Should any law enforcement come across this article, I can honestly say I’ve never murdered another human being *wink wink*. I don’t need to, everything you need to know about murder can be gleaned from TV. Disposing of the body is more than half the battle. That corpse is a veritable body of evidence; trust me, you don’t want them finding that. I will be detailing successful methods of disposal in my next edition. So until then, happy murdering.

crazy murder

Bonus: If you have the time and REALLY want to make a go at this, get a job in the justice industry. Don’t do blood spatter or crime scene photographer, Dexter already took that and it’s now a suspicious position. For all intents and purposes, you could be the file clerk in the precinct basement, reading through all the case files, even pulling open case files on your own handiwork. Feel free to masturbate. by Kyle Fried

BONUS VIDEO: Disposing of a Body

192 Comments

  1. Erin says:

    I almost killed my damn abusive father before in a fit of dissociation. Now if I ever do kill the bastard I have an insanity case. My shrink already knows, so I have backup. Now that's getting away with murder. He's even getting a gun soon...

    Reply
  2. Charles says:

    I've been wanting to get rid of someone for a while now. I wish I could hire a hitman to do the kill but I choose not because they might be undercover cops.

    Hit me up at my email address.

    Reply
  3. Russet says:

    There are so many people I wish were gone. There are good points in this article... to watch a hated enemy die, to see your tormentor finally put into a neverending and nightmarish eternity of darkness... a sadistic thing, and far from noble.

    But mayhaps worthwhile.

    Reply
  4. distant says:

    I don't want to kill just anybody. But sometimes I do. I just dis like much of the human race. We humans are so blind. Life is great. You are lucky to have it. But it's the human race that make life tasteless, despicable and mad.

    Reply
  5. maygan says:

    Lol I love thus article, but you forgot to mention hair. Cops can identify people by their hair follicles.

    Reply
  6. H1V SprEaDeR says:

    How about a women that im planning to make pregnant? hehe... ;)

    Reply
  7. hit says:

    wheres your next article ? we need to share.. i watch all the crime scene movies. so maybe i got the basic.. its for defense purpose.. i never wanted to kill a man

    Reply
  8. Expats says:

    6. As soon as you have read this article, clear your browsing data!

    Reply
  9. fish says:

    say i would want to get rid of a famly member who birthed me.... i think if i did it i would just take the car and go somwere else and start a new...but the body...... wat todo with the bodies?

    Reply
    • Uncle Fester The Child Molester says:

      Easy answer. There are two ways of doing it. The first one is my favorite as it's so much more refined and far harder to be found.
      1. Cut the body into six inch piecess. Bury the pieces away from each other in places that have absolutely no meaning to you. Make sure they're also away form the general population. You might be thinking "Well all of this sounds very time-consuming!" Yes well, that's the price to pay for your treasured hobby.

      2. If you're a lazy murderer or just need to dump the body and quick. Find a very desolate place to bury the body and bury the body of a dog several feet above it. That way let's say a dog would dig it up the police officer would think it is a dud. Happy murdering!

      Reply
  10. james francis says:

    you are all idiots true idiots you think csi and all that jazz show you the full process? half of you say you dont want to kill anyone so why are you here? you want to learn how to kill? look up kill without joy best beek ever i feel i can comment on this subject because i know even using my full name no one will ever raise a flag on me i am a killer and i get paid very well for it the world is open and so is every one i have done away with as for the best way to get rid of a body 6' deep hole and 4 or 5 kilo of pure limesalt it desolves flesh and sniffer dogs will avoide it because it burns nasal cavity's same with cajuin pepper but that doesnt do anything to the body

    Reply
  11. Bob says:

    I think this article attracted legit killers. like, im glad i lied about my postal code and all tht when i made my email cuz like, yeah. dont need any crazies hunting me down and shit. amsuing article though lol

    Reply
  12. Said says:

    It's interesting how accurate you are.

    Reply
  13. A Killer says:

    Fools, Just consume the body, turn the dead corpse into pie.

    Reply
  14. Tobi says:

    hit me up bros

    Reply
  15. Thomas Pedigo says:

    I google searched this site to AVOID the murder I want to commit.

    Just by the mere fact that my web history will link me as a suspect in the death of another human that I so want to accomplish.

    This is therapy so to speak...now I can not commit the capitol crime because I would ONLY do it, if I could get away with it.

    Is this a cry for help?...perhaps
    Will I eventually not care and KILL for revenge?...yes.

    I just won't do it now.

    Reply
  16. Thomas Pedigo says:

    As a caveat,

    It is very surreal to admit this desire to anonymous folks.What a weight off the chest...for the time being.

    Reply
  17. Dexter says:

    Latex gloves will leave faint, traceable prints on anything you touched.
    Latex under leather, stop the secretion, then stop the prints.

    Reply
  18. La Mano Nera says:

    Hitman :$

    Reply
  19. Billy Hayward says:

    Dude this is perfect, but I've watched way to many serial killer movies, if I was to kill this person, which I will, I'd never get caught, but after a while they'd pick up on it, this'll help me.

    Psychos need to be congratulated on making it this far.

    We deserve a medal, yes, I'm psychologically fucked up, says my doctor.

    They'll never get away from me, I'll slice there eye lids in half and stab them in the face...

    Reply
  20. Pip says:

    Cut the corpse from ear to ear and hang him in the
    Shower than when all the blood drips cut the body in 5 pieces and stuff the body in a black bag make
    Sure the bag is doubled.
    Then pepper spray the inside of Your bag,
    Now this is for 2 reasons first is the smell next to throw off the stupid dogs police have.
    Last dispose of Your corpse by simply throwing it in Your neighbors trash lol.
    Now that you know how to dispose of a body properly go have fun motherfuckers!!

    Reply
  21. reaper says:

    Amusing concepts....see my wife of 17 years just ran off with a peice of shit tattoo artist and is fucking him as well as living together..so he will die by my hand..when its done i'll write all about it...

    Reply
  22. blackdeath says:

    i know most of this already, i just need to refine the technique i would use if i were to ever do this, which i wont, im just curious

    Reply
  23. Angelofdeathandblood says:

    there is a certain little bitch that i want dead but i need someone to help me but i can't find a person willing enough to do and i'm honestly paranoid cause it could be an undercover cop wearing a wire but the way i want this bitch to die is by me beating the shit out of her cutting her limbs off while she's still breathing and then put her remains into a corrosive acid and then pour that shit down the sink toilet or something then burn my clothes i cut her in then burn the tarp carpet thing i used to kill the bitch on

    Reply
  24. derek says:

    Some one just broke into my nanas house and robbed all of my late grandfathers mementos i know the people who did this and i want them to die slow i have a setitive to put them out i just need to know the quietest way to break into a house at night and the fastest and quietest way to wake them up after i put them out i want them to know who killed them. PS money is not an object if u no of the supplies i have the money and the means to acquire them.

    Reply
  25. hitmanbro69 says:

    Im a hit man pay me ill not only kill ill clean up

    Reply
  26. hitmanbro69 says:

    Up to you guys i dont charge a lot

    Reply

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