I’ve watched enough TV now to have a pretty good handle on how to do this. You’ve got your Law and Order, your CSI, Bones, Cold Case, First 48, The Wire, Dexter, Dragnet, It Takes a Thief, Matlock, Murder She wrote, Monk, Night Court, etc… I mean come on, with all of the quality programming that illustrates the inner workings of the justice system, how are murders even being figured out anymore. Maybe if we were in the Minority Report era I’d understand. But in today’s world, even if you commit a crime of passion there are ways to dispose of the body and remedy your impulsive behavior (see my next post).
1. Wear Proper Attire and Vary It Wear gloves. This one is obvious, but a quality tip nonetheless. Use latex or preferably neoprene seeing as latex allergies are on the rise and if your victim shows signs of a rash, they’ll already know part of your M.O. Don’t use leather; it collects too much DNA, inside and out. You’ll also want to spend time choosing the pair of shoes that’s right for you. Some prefer boots, and for good reason, but if this is your first time, you may want to consider a pair of sneakers. Not only do they allow you to sneak better, they provide wonderful flexibility if you are to make a mistake and allow your victim to let out a yell or a scream and alert a hapless neighbor, in which case you’ll want to make a hasty escape. As you mature, be sure to vary your choice so as not to leave a consistent footprint.
2. Don’t Have a Motive/Kill a stranger This is integral to your success as a murderer. The easiest way for them to find you is if you killed someone in your circle of friends, ESPECIALLY if you have have a motive. I mean sure, you should have a deep-seated motive like curbing overpopulation, but certainly don’t share a bed or a needle or a grandma with your vic. Don’t murder a homeless person, it’s lazy and nobody respects that. But I will say you’d do well to find someone who might as well be homeless. Someone that nobody cares about but still has enough means to protect themselves that your kill garners the appropriate ovation.
3. Make a Clean Kill Look, I’m not here to tell you how to do your job. If you want a bloody gory mess, fine, whatever. It just means a ton more work on cleanup. And we all know that that’s the least interesting and most tedious part of murder. So do yourself a favor and pick a method that is both satisfying and professional. A syringe is nice, chemically induced cardiac arrest? That won’t do it for some people. How about a 6-inch titanium needle through the ear canal? Better yet, ever hear of pithing? With enough practice you can sever a person’s brain from their brain stem, rendering them completely paralyzed, yet conscious. It all depends on the type of murderer you plan to be.
4. Clean up So your victim is dead. Congratulations. Now it’s time to retrace your steps. How did it all go down? Did you have to kick the door in? If so, stage a robbery so as to lead the coppers down the wrong path a little ways. Did the victim scratch your face? You’ll have to take the finger. You could just clean out the nail bed but it’s best to be safe. There are a million things to consider here so if you can’t answer them yourself, just shoot me an email through a proxy, from an anonymous account.
5. Alibi Some people ask me, “But shouldn’t I have an alibi?” The answer is no. Fuck no. Alibi for what? If you even get fingered as a suspect then you deserve to get caught. If you’ve followed my guideline, even loosely, then you’ll never be bothered for crap like that. Let’s say you DID screw up, I’ll grant you one mulligan. Now you need an alibi. Best case scenario, you have a senile grandparent in your care who will claim you were there all night feeding them mush when in reality you built a robotic arm to do it for you. Since not all of us are that lucky, you need to research all the local book signings the night of the event. Be sure to purchase (in person, in cash) a signed copy of the book from that night. When asked where you were at such and such time on such and such night, you tell them you were at the book signing and you show them the proof. A true professional would also read the book and bone up on the author’s background so as to come across as a dedicated fan. Conclusion: Should any law enforcement come across this article, I can honestly say I’ve never murdered another human being *wink wink*. I don’t need to, everything you need to know about murder can be gleaned from TV. Disposing of the body is more than half the battle. That corpse is a veritable body of evidence; trust me, you don’t want them finding that. I will be detailing successful methods of disposal in my next edition. So until then, happy murdering.
Bonus: If you have the time and REALLY want to make a go at this, get a job in the justice industry. Don’t do blood spatter or crime scene photographer, Dexter already took that and it’s now a suspicious position. For all intents and purposes, you could be the file clerk in the precinct basement, reading through all the case files, even pulling open case files on your own handiwork. Feel free to masturbate. by Kyle Fried