10 Reasons Progress is Stupid

People are busy these days. So busy that all they really want is some peace and quiet, maybe do some sailing or spend a night around a camp fire, you know, just to get away from it all. Huh... that’s weird because our ancestors used to do that shit on a daily basis. And oddly enough the reason we’re so busy today is due to those exact same ancestors making what they believed was progress. I’m scared to think that 20 years from now I might be yearning to give a powerpoint presentation because somehow that would be peaceful luxury as compared to whatever hell we’ve entrenched ourselves in by 2031.

Here are 10 examples of how our current definition of progress is stupid:

1. Exercise/Jogging/Hiking

Jogging is not normal. Nobody did that shit a hundred years ago. Why would they? Your life expectancy was too short to actually see the benefits of a staunch cardiovascular routine-- nor did you have much fat to burn. And don’t get me started on hiking. People used to break their backs smuggling 80lbs bags of rice over the mountains to keep their towns fed, and now we gayly jaunt up these rock behemoths and call it a nice outing.

2. Tanning

Yeah, sure, the sun has always felt nice on human skin, save for albino’s and those people who get rashes. But if a cowboy took a time machine here and landed on a beach he’d be like “WTF are these greasy nekkid people splayed out in the sun all dead-like for?!?” People used to have to work outside and were tan as shit whether they liked it or not. They again attempted progress and we ended up indoors with AC but at the cost of being pale, fat, and listless. Good job ancestors.

3. Sailing

This is how we used to get places. It was like some big god damn adventure where you kiss people goodbye at the port, not knowing if you’ll ever see them again. You got on a ship and it changed your life forever. But now? Now you grab your pastel polo and your faux captain’s hat and prepare to be whisked 20-30 minutes away from shore for some good undulatory therapy.

“Cheese platter, Steve?”

“No thanks, I’m still full from all that beluga caviar and ostrich labia.”

So, what used to be the biggest adventure of your life is now 3hr window in which you’re expected to grab a handful of chèvre and masturbate into the wind while wondering how your portfolio is doing.

4. Stargazing

We used to NEED the stars. Goes back to sailing. Think about it, there’s a map in the sky and you can’t read it because you no longer have to. That’s not progress! In fact, we’ve “progressed” so far that in most cities you can't see 95% of the stars anyway. When’s the last time you connected the dots and made up your own constellation? Never. We’re phasing out the imaginaton.

5. Sleeping/Eating Outdoors

This is like, one of those “ooh, honey, should we?” things. “Should we change things up and eat at our outside table tonight? Should we Mary-Ann? And then maybe this weekend we could get out the old tent and sleep in the back yard.”

“Steve, what has gotten into you?!?”

“Don’t worry Mary-Ann, we’ll bring the duvet, I haven’t gone completely fucking insane!”

 

 

6. Watching Sunrise/Sunset

Again, goes back to stargazing. But this time, instead of the sky being a map, it was a clock. Imagine that. We once had a clock that produced some of the most dazzling and vibrant images known to our brains, yet we decided to change it out for a black and white thing with dashes that makes a ticking sound. Sweet.

7. Free Time

Everything we’ve ever invented has been for the sake of pleasure and making life easier so that we could have more of this. But instead we created a world where it’s a precious commodity. How does this make sense? We’ve extended our life spans by 30-60 years (depending on how far back you go) yet, still, we complain we don’t have enough free time. We’re stupid.

8. Camp Fires

Romantic, epic, primal, warm, camp fires are all those things and more. Conversations had while around them are etched  into your brain 50 times deeper than conversations had to the tune of buzzing flourescent tubes.  I’ll admit it’s nice to have gotten away from mosquitoes, but surely we could have made fire pits more common.  If I met someone who was carrying a torch, I would remember every word they said for the rest of my life, guaranteed.

9. Quiet

We had this and then we went and fucked it all up. Now when I hear silence I think something is wrong. I’m not kidding. I’m sure you've heard that in isolation chambers your imagination goes absolutely BONKERS. So we traded in the lucid day dreaming of yesterday for the... what... what did we get, TV? I’m just trying to think why we would ever trade free hallucinations for expensive inanimate objects.

10. Dieting

I’m willing to guess that the state of Rhode Island houses more obese people than have ever existed between the period of 10,000 BC and 1000 AD. During those 11,000 years, there might have been two-thousand people who should have considered dieting. They were usually gluttonous, royal, orgy-masters. Everyone else was already skinny, fit, or dying of some plague.

Conclusion: Have you seen Wall-E? That’s our future. Jelly-boned blobs bombarded by social suggestion and lugged around by hover-lazy-boys without memory of things like “dancing” and “slip-n-slides.”

5 Comments

  1. Corinne says:

    I TOTALLY AGREE with your Wall-E theory... We're doomed!
    Funny article as usual :)

    Reply
  2. anon says:

    This would be spot on but over population will cancel it out. Look at India or Hong Kong, that's our future.

    Reply
  3. rob hagyard says:

    SO with you on all of above, thanks for sharing your thoughts. Its reassuring to know that not everyone has been hoodwinked.Keep on dreaming, stargazing, loving life....
    Rob

    Reply
  4. david says:

    i like you. youre funny

    Reply

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