10 Things You Don’t Know About Your Body

During the span of your 80 years on this earth, you are expected to eat for nearly 3.5 years, spend 6 months on the toilet, 12 years watching TV, 4 years on the telephone, 2 weeks kissing, work for a total of 9 years, sleep for 25 years, be able to put a name to 2,000 people but only able to call 150 of them friends, sleep with 5, fall in love with 2, but have sex 2,580 times. You are expected to have two kids, who will in turn have two kids, and only two of your eight grandchildren will even remember your name. What a life.

1. You were shushed by god. That depression underneath your nose, it’s called a philtrum. (Which translates to love potion.) It used to be a somewhat popular belief that this is the spot where god or an angel shushed you so that you wouldn’t tell everyone all the secrets of heaven or your past life or whatever. It’s no coincidence that your philtrum leads directly into Cupid’s bow, which is when someone’s top lip looks like a bow. As in bow and arrow.

2. Your hair is as strong as copper. Yeah, at first glance that doesn’t make sense. But think about it, if you were to take a spool of copper and give it the same diameter of a strand of hair, it wouldn’t be all too strong either. This fact keeps Gillette in business.

3. You have crystals in your ears. Ever wonder how you’re able to balance? Isn’t it obvious, tiny pools covered with tiny crystals hiding in your ears. When you are looking straight ahead, the pools are balanced, the crystals are parallel to the ground, all is well. If you look up… OMG I’m gonna fall!

4. Testicles and ovaries are the same. Same shape, same size. Just so happens that girls tuck theirs inside while guys let it all hang out. Oh, and while I’m at it, I’d like to debunk the saying, “hot as balls.” The whole reason balls hang out in their own little bachelor sack is to keep them cooler than the rest of the body. Sperm die if they get too warm.

5. You feed billions. In your lifetime, you will shed roughly 42lbs of skin. 80% of the motes (just another word for crap) floating around in those photogenic sunbeams is dead skin. And have you noticed how your favorite pillow weighs more over time? It’s not because it’s full of nostalgia, it’s because it’s home to tens of millions of mites and their mountains of poop made of your dead skin.

6. If you were born in space, you’d be completely useless. Remember the ear crystals I mentioned? Well, for starters, those would no longer be able to tell you which way is up, because your body never knew there was a down. Also, without gravity, our bones would never set into our cartilage and our muscles would atrophy. I know this is my second reference to Wall-E, BUT… that shit is true. If we were to spend enough time in space, our bones would separate in such a way that our skeletons became obsolete.

7. Your poop is primarily brown because of all the dead red blood cells that have run their course.

8. Every cell in your body is eventually renewed or replaced, except for the majority of the ones in your heart. How poetic. In order to counter such a lovely fact, I’d like to tell you that doctors are able to make 3 basketball courts-worth of skin using a single baby’s schmuck. For those of you who don’t speak Yiddish, that means its foreskin.

9. Your brain is capable of driving every car, motorbike, bus, and taxi in England, all at the same time, and not get into a single accident. That’s a little hard to believe considering most of us get in accidents driving just our one car. Well, what you’re not taking into account is that your brain is responsible for tens of millions of tasks every hour. Any idea what kind of crap goes on to keep your body heat regulated? You know you generate enough heat every 30 min to boil half a gallon of water? How about digestion, breathing, circulation… if your brain wasn’t in charge of this stuff, you’d be able to use a lot more of it.

10. Mammary glands are modified sweat glands. That’s as far as I’m willing to go.

 

10 Reasons Progress is Stupid

People are busy these days. So busy that all they really want is some peace and quiet, maybe do some sailing or spend a night around a camp fire, you know, just to get away from it all. Huh… that’s weird because our ancestors used to do that shit on a daily basis. And oddly enough the reason we’re so busy today is due to those exact same ancestors making what they believed was progress. I’m scared to think that 20 years from now I might be yearning to give a powerpoint presentation because somehow that would be peaceful luxury as compared to whatever hell we’ve entrenched ourselves in by 2031.

Here are 10 examples of how our current definition of progress is stupid:

1. Exercise/Jogging/Hiking

Jogging is not normal. Nobody did that shit a hundred years ago. Why would they? Your life expectancy was too short to actually see the benefits of a staunch cardiovascular routine– nor did you have much fat to burn. And don’t get me started on hiking. People used to break their backs smuggling 80lbs bags of rice over the mountains to keep their towns fed, and now we gayly jaunt up these rock behemoths and call it a nice outing.

2. Tanning

Yeah, sure, the sun has always felt nice on human skin, save for albino’s and those people who get rashes. But if a cowboy took a time machine here and landed on a beach he’d be like “WTF are these greasy nekkid people splayed out in the sun all dead-like for?!?” People used to have to work outside and were tan as shit whether they liked it or not. They again attempted progress and we ended up indoors with AC but at the cost of being pale, fat, and listless. Good job ancestors.

3. Sailing

This is how we used to get places. It was like some big god damn adventure where you kiss people goodbye at the port, not knowing if you’ll ever see them again. You got on a ship and it changed your life forever. But now? Now you grab your pastel polo and your faux captain’s hat and prepare to be whisked 20-30 minutes away from shore for some good undulatory therapy.

“Cheese platter, Steve?”

“No thanks, I’m still full from all that beluga caviar and ostrich labia.”

So, what used to be the biggest adventure of your life is now 3hr window in which you’re expected to grab a handful of chèvre and masturbate into the wind while wondering how your portfolio is doing.

4. Stargazing

We used to NEED the stars. Goes back to sailing. Think about it, there’s a map in the sky and you can’t read it because you no longer have to. That’s not progress! In fact, we’ve “progressed” so far that in most cities you can’t see 95% of the stars anyway. When’s the last time you connected the dots and made up your own constellation? Never. We’re phasing out the imaginaton.

5. Sleeping/Eating Outdoors

This is like, one of those “ooh, honey, should we?” things. “Should we change things up and eat at our outside table tonight? Should we Mary-Ann? And then maybe this weekend we could get out the old tent and sleep in the back yard.”

“Steve, what has gotten into you?!?”

“Don’t worry Mary-Ann, we’ll bring the duvet, I haven’t gone completely fucking insane!”

 

 

6. Watching Sunrise/Sunset

Again, goes back to stargazing. But this time, instead of the sky being a map, it was a clock. Imagine that. We once had a clock that produced some of the most dazzling and vibrant images known to our brains, yet we decided to change it out for a black and white thing with dashes that makes a ticking sound. Sweet.

7. Free Time

Everything we’ve ever invented has been for the sake of pleasure and making life easier so that we could have more of this. But instead we created a world where it’s a precious commodity. How does this make sense? We’ve extended our life spans by 30-60 years (depending on how far back you go) yet, still, we complain we don’t have enough free time. We’re stupid.

8. Camp Fires

Romantic, epic, primal, warm, camp fires are all those things and more. Conversations had while around them are etched  into your brain 50 times deeper than conversations had to the tune of buzzing flourescent tubes.  I’ll admit it’s nice to have gotten away from mosquitoes, but surely we could have made fire pits more common.  If I met someone who was carrying a torch, I would remember every word they said for the rest of my life, guaranteed.

9. Quiet

We had this and then we went and fucked it all up. Now when I hear silence I think something is wrong. I’m not kidding. I’m sure you’ve heard that in isolation chambers your imagination goes absolutely BONKERS. So we traded in the lucid day dreaming of yesterday for the… what… what did we get, TV? I’m just trying to think why we would ever trade free hallucinations for expensive inanimate objects.

10. Dieting

I’m willing to guess that the state of Rhode Island houses more obese people than have ever existed between the period of 10,000 BC and 1000 AD. During those 11,000 years, there might have been two-thousand people who should have considered dieting. They were usually gluttonous, royal, orgy-masters. Everyone else was already skinny, fit, or dying of some plague.

Conclusion: Have you seen Wall-E? That’s our future. Jelly-boned blobs bombarded by social suggestion and lugged around by hover-lazy-boys without memory of things like “dancing” and “slip-n-slides.”

Childhood Movies: Growing up in the 90’s

In the year 2000, I turned fifteen, as did a lot of other people. Here are some of the amazing movies I can remember watching during my formative years. This is in no way a complete list of the movies I saw during that time, it’s just the ones I can remember well enough to know that they had a part in creating me. Every movie listed is from the 90’s or earlier.

I encourage you to leave comments regarding the many films I left out.

(Note: I will try to update this with links, images, quotes, and plot summaries.)

Unsorted:

  1. The Goonies
  2. Kindergarten Cop
  3. Twins
  4. The Labyrinth
  5. The Wizard
  6. Willow
  7. The Princess Bride
  8. The Neverending Story 1, 2
  9. ET
  10. Hook
  11. The Karate Kid 1, 2
  12. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
  13. Little Monsters
  14. The Incredible Mr. Limpet
  15. One Eyed One Horned Flying Purple People Eater
  16. Little Rascals
  17. Dennis the Menace
  18. Little Shop of Horrors
  19. Ernest Scared Stupid / Ernest Goes to Camp / Ernest Goes to Jail
  20. Mrs. Doubtfire
  21. Nothing But Trouble
  22. Radio Flyer
  23. Camp Nowhere
  24. Lucas
  25. The Air Up There
  26. Time Bandits
  27. Trading Places
  28. Coming to America
  29. Beverly Hills Cop
  30. Just One of the Guys
  31. Heavy Weights
  32. The Witches
  33. Fast Times at Ridgemont High
  34. Space Jam
  35. Three Ninjas
  36. Casper
  37. The Lost Boys
  38. Emperor’s New Groove
  39. Real Genius
  40. Better Off Dead
  41. Teen Wolf
  42. Edward Scissorhands
  43. Curly Sue
  44. Revenge of the Nerds
  45. So I Married an Axe Murderer
  46. Rainbow Bright
  47. My Pet Monster
  48. Chip
  49. Mac and Me
  50. Batteries Not Included
  51. Cocoon
  52. Field of Dreams
  53. Krull
  54. Jumanji
  55. The Breakfast Club
  56. War Games
  57. Vice Versa
  58. Brewster’s Millions
  59. Death Becomes Her
  60. The Mask
  61. Weekend at Bernie’s
  62. Soul Man
  63. Back to School
  64. Hackers
  65. The Wizard of Oz
  66. Naked Gun
  67. Naked Gun 1/2
  68. Airplane
  69. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
  70. Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure – Large Marge
  71. Evil Dead
  72. Spaceballs
  73. Back to the Future Trilogy
  74. Medicine Man
  75. A Gnome Called Gnorm
  76. Ghost
  77. Ghost Dad
  78. Ghostbusters 1 and 2
  79. Sidekicks (chuck norris/johnathan brandis) “More acid rain in these jaw breakers!”
  80. Look Who’s Talking
  81. Look Who’s Talking Too
  82. Look Who’s Talking Now
  83. Cool World
  84. Bloodsucking Killer Clowns from Outer Space
  85. Silence of the Lambs
  86. White Men Can’t Jump
  87. Beetlejuice
  88. Baby’s Day Out
  89. Bio-Dome
  90. House Party: kid & play
  91. Bebe’s Kids
  92. The Secret Garden
  93. Johnny Mneumonic
  94. Stand by Me
  95. Matilda
  96. Mom and Dad Save the World
  97. The Addams Family
  98. Flubber
  99. Short Circuit
  100. The Toy
  101. Police Academy
  102. Problem Child 1 and 2
  103. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
  104. Annie
  105. Clue
  106. Clueless
  107. Porky’s
  108. Encino Man
  109. Stay Tuned
  110. Leonard Part 6  – Bill Cosby saves the world from vegetarians using slices of bologna as weapons…
  111. What’s Eating Gilbert Grape
  112. HouseGuest (Starring Sinbad)
  113. What about Bob
  114. Terminator 1, 2
  115. Batman, Batman Returns
  116. Superman, Superman II
  117. Dr. Doolittle
  118. Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead
  119. Weird Science
  120. Men at work (charlie sheen/emilio estevez as garbage men)
  121. Cop and a Half
  122. The Jerk
  123. Vacation
  124. The Three Amigos
  125. Can’t Hardly Wait
  126. Powder
  127. Indiana Jones: Temple of Doom, Raiders of the Lost Ark
  128. Die Hard
  129. Demolition Man
  130. The Road Warrior
  131. Waterworld
  132. Rain Man
  133. Harold and Maude
  134. The World According to Garp
  135. Dumb and Dumber
  136. Dazed and Confused
  137. Pippi Longstocking
  138. Major Payne
  139. Angus
  140. Austin Powers 1, 2
  141. Happy Gilmore
  142. Billy Madison
  143. Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
  144. Robin Hood: Men in Tights
  145. Nothing to Lose
  146. Tommy Boy
  147. Black Sheep
  148. Coneheads
  149. Small Soldiers
  150. Grease
  151. Dick Tracy

Disney Movies: (in chronological order)

  1. Snow White
  2. Pinocchio
  3. Fantasia
  4. Dumbo
  5. Bambi
  6. Peter Pan
  7. Lady and the Tramp
  8. Sleeping Beauty
  9. One Hundred and One Dalmatians
  10. Mary Poppins
  11. Winnie the Pooh
  12. The Jungle Book
  13. Bedknobs and Broomsticks
  14. The Rescuers
  15. Pete’s Dragon
  16. The Sword in the Stone
  17. Popeye
  18. Where Toys Come From
  19. Benji
  20. Flight of the Navigator
  21. The Brave Little Toaster
  22. Honey I Shrunk the Kids
  23. The Little Mermaid
  24. Rescuers Down Under
  25. The Rocketeer
  26. Beauty and the Beast
  27. Newsies
  28. Honey I Blew Up the Kids
  29. The Mighty Ducks
  30. Aladdin
  31. Homeward Bound
  32. Cool Runnings
  33. Blank Check
  34. The Mighty Ducks 2
  35. Angels in the Outfield
  36. Heavy Weights
  37. Man of the House
  38. Toy Story
  39. James and the Giant Peach
  40. First Kid
  41. D:3
  42. Jungle to Jungle

Macaulay Culkin Movies: (in chronological order)

  1. Uncle Buck
  2. Home Alone
  3. My girl
  4. Home alone 2
  5. The Good Son
  6. Page Master
  7. Richie Rich

Tom Hanks Movies:

  1. Big
  2. A League of Their Own (also in sports)
  3. The Burbs
  4. The Money Pit
  5. Forrest Gump
  6. Apollo 13

Starring Animals: (not including Disney movies)

  1. The Lion King
  2. Free Willy
  3. Homeward Bound
  4. Babe
  5. Milo and Otis
  6. Feivel (An American Tail)
  7. Fievel goes west
  8. Harry and the Hendersons
  9. Beethoven
  10. The Land Before Time
  11. Jurassic Park
  12. Dunston Checks In
  13. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 1, 2
  14. A Garfield Halloween
  15. Who Framed Roger Rabbit
  16. Charlotte’s Web
  17. Monkey Trouble
  18. All Dogs Go to Heaven

Scary:

  1. The Exorcist
  2. Poltergeist
  3. Jaws
  4. Aliens
  5. Psycho
  6. The Birds
  7. Leprechaun
  8. Gremlins
  9. Critters
  10. Tremors
  11. The Shining
  12. The Fly
  13. Carrie
  14. Lawnmower Man
  15. Child’s Play
  16. Scream
  17. In the Mouth of Madness
  18. Friday the 13th Series
  19. Nightmare on Elm Street
  20. Halloween
  21. The Boogeyman
  22. The Candy Man

Sports:

  1. Little Giants
  2. The Big Green
  3. Little Big League
  4. Lady Bugs
  5. Rookie of the Year
  6. Angels in the Outfield (also in Disney)
  7. A League of their Own (also in Hanks)
  8. The Sandlot
  9. Major League
  10. Might Ducks 1, 2, 3 (also in Disney)

Action Stars: (with too many movies to mention)

  1. Arnold Schwarzenegger
  2. Steven Seagal
  3. Jean-Claude Van Damme
  4. Jackie Chan
  5. Sylvester Stallone
  6. Bruce Willis

Christmas:

  1. A Charlie Brown Christmas
  2. The Nightmare Before Christmas
  3. A Christmas Story
  4. Muppet Christmas Carol (also in Disney)
  5. It’s a Wonderful Life
  6. Rudolph (claymation)
  7. Miracle on 34th Street
  8. How the Grinch Stole Christmas
  9. Frosty the Snowman
  10. Scrooged

Again, I encourage you to leave comments regarding the ones I undoubtedly left out.

 

 

 

(Obligatory Note: although Fight Club came out in 1999, I didn’t see it until after 2000.)

 

 

 

Things that will make your friends think you are smart: Words

 

If you want to make this whole smart thing work, make sure you know the word etymology. You should say it at least once somewhere in or around these other facts so that people think you are legitimately interesting rather than a scrub with a pocket full of facts. Etymology is basically the study of how words change over time, it’s their backstory. Considering the ever-dwindling attention span of the new generations, that’s about all the preface I feel I can get away with. Onto the shit!

1. Butterfly

You’ve probably never stopped to question this word. And that’s fine, because if you actually took the time to hear the words you are saying, they would all stop making sense. Butterfly comes from some idiot who messed up the way people USED TO say flutter-by, because that’s exactly what those nectar sucking harpies do. Nectar, by the way, comes from the same root as necro-, and translates to a liquid that allows you to overcome death, which was why it became known as the drink of the gods. And now we give it to insects.

A gross number of words in our language come from bastardization (i.e. – people mispronouncing it and it staying that way.) Here’s a word you can use to make you sound even SMARTER, spoonerism. A spoonerism is when you transfer the front a word you plan to say in the future onto the word you are currently saying. EX: Buck Futter (though you’d have to assume Connery was meaning to say Fuck Butter?)

2. Sophomore

Soph- comes from the greek Sophos, meaning wise (think Sophocles) and –more comes from Moros, meaning foolish (think moron). Smash ‘em together and you’ve got yourself a wise moron. I’m particularly fond of this word because it is so precise and like the others in this post, it hides in plain sight.

3. Marinara

Marinara sauce, you know, the red one that goes on spagetti.  Usually the cheapest one on the menu. There’s a reason for that, and there’s a reason it’s so popular in Italy. It just might tie the ENTIRE WORLD TOGETHER! But it doesn’t. For anyone who tried to learn any of those Romance languages (by the way, they aren’t called Romance because they’re sexy, it’s because they’re based on that language they used to speak in Rome) you should be able to notice the word Mar- in there. Mar-, meaning sea, marino is a sailor, so marinara means “pertaining to sailors”. Full translation… Sailor’s Sauce. That was just the leg work, here’s the fun part. If you’ve ever seen Italy on a map then you’d understand why they had so many sailors. When those sailors came home, their wives identified the ships by the flags, which were only discernable once the ship was about 15 minutes away from port. Once they knew it was their husband coming in and not some other lady’s, they would rush home and start making him the best meal they could that would also be ready in 15 minutes. Some smashed up tomatoes, olive oil, garlic, basil, heat…  Sailor’s sauce.

4. Pussy

I’m talking about the term we throw around when someone is being a coward. I’m willing to guess that the vast majority of people who use it think it has to do with the vagina, or perhaps a cat. Niet, it comes from, pusillanimous. Though it’s an adjective and pussy is a noun, their meaning is the same. Don’t ask me why we call vaginas that.  Vagina, by the way, means sheath, like something you put a sword into. If you are a guy and are reading this and think you should be emboldened by your dick sword… don’t.  Penis means little tail and shares the same root with the words pen and pencil.

5. Faggot

Now, this one you probably shouldn’t run around telling everyone you know considering it’s a sensitive issue. But that doesn’t stop it from being interesting. Back in the days of the witch hunts, society despised homosexuals, but not as much as they despised witches. So when they caught a witch, they would order the homosexuals in town to go out and bundle up sticks (this is the definition you thought you knew) and  they would load these bundles under the pyre where the witch was to be burned. The people would light the sticks on fire and if it happened that the witch was still alive when the bundles of sticks had run out, they would throw the homosexuals on the fire to keep it going.  Thus equivocating homosexuals to faggots.

Conclusion:

Enjoy your newfound moments of being interesting. Should you run out of ammunition, just ask the internet about the words you say every day, you’d be surprised. And  I’ll leave you with one more, although it’s not entirely related. Ever seen how they used to have places called Ye Olde Coffee Shoppe? Well Y used to be a special letter in the alphabet that indicated a th- sound. So you just just go ahead and read that as The Old Coffee Shop. Also, if you have trouble reading any latin chiseled into the facade (same root as face) just know that all those misplaced V’s are actually U’s, but U’s are too obnoxious to chisel. Mmm, knowledge, don’t it taste good (just a lengthening of the word god).

by Kyle Fried

20 Things It’s Hard to be Good At

20 things it’s hard to be good at:

1. Grammar – While this should be easy, you will get made fun of if you use it properly in real life. You wouldn’t even be reading this if the title had been “20 things at which it is hard to be good.”

2. Flipping (a lot) – I really don’t think it would take all that much effort for me to learn to do a flip, but have you ever seen those people, who, if given enough room could flip all the way to work? Fact – flipping too much can make your boobs never grow.

3. Making the right decision – You order a drink. “Medium or large?”, they say. Well shit, the medium costs less but the large is only 15 cents more, but what are the reprecussions of drinking that extra 4 ounces. Similar bouts of reasoning occur secretly every time you go into a store and decide not to rob it or every time you walk by a flight of stairs and decide not to throw yourself down it.

4. Being a hero – I can’t remember the last time I got the chance to be a hero. And don’t give me any of that princess talk about “you can be a hero in little ways!”, I want to save someone’s life god damnit. Where’s the mugging I can thwart, where’s the asshole who’s supposed to be dangling above rushing rapids?

5. Remembering your dreams – this one makes me want to die. I can remember the color of my poop from a week back but damned if I could tell you what I dreamt a couple hours ago.

6. Hanging out – This used to be retardedly easy. My friends used to drop in without asking, or I’d come downstairs and my brother had a bunch of friends over. It was awesome. But once you’ve entered the working world i n Los Angeles you have to schedule your drop-in’s because time is too precious to be “wasted”. BAH!

7. Making anything – I can make food but that doesn’t really count because it’s already food before I made it into something else, so really all I’m doing is re-arranging food.

8. Eating properly – I faintly recall a time when a plate had more than one type of food on it. Some green stuff, some starchy thing, and meat. Yeah, that sounds right. Now there’s that huge block of cheese on my plate and sometimes I eat my fingernails.

9. Not using adverbs – Stephen King has gone on a crusade to get people to stop using adverbs. Well then how the shit am I supposed to tell him i’m axiously awaiting his next book?

10. Not sucking – Ever read one of those paragraph-long bio’s on some person who accomplished more by age 25 than you will in your entire life? Yeah, that’s you sucking.

11. Looking like you want to look – It would have a lot more fun if we all got to go through a “character creation” screen before being born. And i don’t mean you alter your face a bit or change your hair color. I’m coming at this from the Spore angle where you’ve never seen what any living thing on earth looks like and you create a species from scratch.

12. Talking to people – expectations, obligations, opinions, ugh..

13. Staying (relatively) smart (if you ever were) – all that stuff you learned? Useless. You’ve got your job and all they need you to use is that incredibly small bubble of life skills you learned when you were 6, like how a phone works.

14. Learning a language with a different alphabet – yeah,I’m with you America, not even gonna bother.

15. The Krispy Kreme challenge – I’m of course referring to the race that requires you to run two miles to Krispy Kreme , eat one dozen doughnuts (totaling 2,400 calories and 144 grams of fat), and run two miles back from whence you came, all in under an hour.

16. Leading multiple lives – ever heard of those guys that have secret families on the side? What the hell is happening there? Most people can barely handle one. Why would you even do that?

17. Implementing buddhist beliefs – I’m pretty sure that everyone who was born into a capitalist culture and is classified by the IRS as poverty line gets pretty pissed about receiving a $75 parking ticket, no matter how much you believe we are the interconnected children of the universe. And even if you ARE able to believe that, then that means some part of you is a meter maid. How’s that feel?

18. Avoiding nostalgia – nostalgia has always been described as bittersweet, and for that reason about half the world would like to avoid it and the other half relish its warm embrace. The nostalgia i’m talking about however, is the kind that rushes into you when you see a ninja turtle action figure and realize, “Fuck, I used to play with those and now I don’t.” This shit sucks. Becaues even if you go get a bunch of action figures, you don’t have the imagination you once did where you bash the two piece of green plastic together while making CHHH CHHH sounds, thereby controlling one of the most epic battles ever fought. Nor would society let you feel okay about doing that. People in the airport would make weird faces at you. And what’s worse is that they wouldn’t even know why.

19. Starting a rebellion – I have no idea how to go about doing this. I can barely motivate a handful of friends to be in the same place for any period of time. So, kudos to whomever started that stuff in Egypt. Hey, maybe I can be good at grammar.

20. Life – why can’t we just be balls of energy that travel faster than light and communicate without language. UGH…

How to Get Away with Murder, Literally

I’ve watched enough TV now to have a pretty good handle on how to do this. You’ve got your Law and Order, your CSI, Bones, Cold Case, First 48, The Wire, Dexter, Dragnet, It Takes a Thief, Matlock, Murder She wrote, Monk, Night Court, etc… I mean come on, with all of the quality programming that illustrates the inner workings of the justice system, how are murders even being figured out anymore. Maybe if we were in the Minority Report era I’d understand. But in today’s world, even if you commit a crime of passion there are ways to dispose of the body and remedy your impulsive behavior (see my next post).

1. Wear Proper Attire and Vary It Wear gloves. This one is obvious, but a quality tip nonetheless. Use latex or preferably neoprene seeing as latex allergies are on the rise and if your victim shows signs of a rash, they’ll already know part of your M.O. Don’t use leather; it collects too much DNA, inside and out. You’ll also want to spend time choosing the pair of shoes that’s right for you. Some prefer boots, and for good reason, but if this is your first time, you may want to consider a pair of sneakers. Not only do they allow you to sneak better, they provide wonderful flexibility if you are to make a mistake and allow your victim to let out a yell or a scream and alert a hapless neighbor, in which case you’ll want to make a hasty escape. As you mature, be sure to vary your choice so as not to leave a consistent footprint.

2. Don’t Have a Motive/Kill a stranger This is integral to your success as a murderer. The easiest way for them to find you is if you killed someone in your circle of friends, ESPECIALLY if you have have a motive. I mean sure, you should have a deep-seated motive like curbing overpopulation, but certainly don’t share a bed or a needle or a grandma with your vic. Don’t murder a homeless person, it’s lazy and nobody respects that. But I will say you’d do well to find someone who might as well be homeless. Someone that nobody cares about but still has enough means to protect themselves that your kill garners the appropriate ovation.

3. Make a Clean Kill Look, I’m not here to tell you how to do your job. If you want a bloody gory mess, fine, whatever. It just means a ton more work on cleanup. And we all know that that’s the least interesting and most tedious part of murder. So do yourself a favor and pick a method that is both satisfying and professional. A syringe is nice, chemically induced cardiac arrest? That won’t do it for some people. How about a 6-inch titanium needle through the ear canal? Better yet, ever hear of pithing? With enough practice you can sever a person’s brain from their brain stem, rendering them completely paralyzed, yet conscious. It all depends on the type of murderer you plan to be.

4. Clean up So your victim is dead. Congratulations. Now it’s time to retrace your steps. How did it all go down? Did you have to kick the door in? If so, stage a robbery so as to lead the coppers down the wrong path a little ways. Did the victim scratch your face? You’ll have to take the finger. You could just clean out the nail bed but it’s best to be safe. There are a million things to consider here so if you can’t answer them yourself, just shoot me an email through a proxy, from an anonymous account.

5. Alibi Some people ask me, “But shouldn’t I have an alibi?” The answer is no. Fuck no. Alibi for what? If you even get fingered as a suspect then you deserve to get caught. If you’ve followed my guideline, even loosely, then you’ll never be bothered for crap like that. Let’s say you DID screw up, I’ll grant you one mulligan. Now you need an alibi. Best case scenario, you have a senile grandparent in your care who will claim you were there all night feeding them mush when in reality you built a robotic arm to do it for you. Since not all of us are that lucky, you need to research all the local book signings the night of the event. Be sure to purchase (in person, in cash) a signed copy of the book from that night. When asked where you were at such and such time on such and such night, you tell them you were at the book signing and you show them the proof. A true professional would also read the book and bone up on the author’s background so as to come across as a dedicated fan. Conclusion: Should any law enforcement come across this article, I can honestly say I’ve never murdered another human being *wink wink*. I don’t need to, everything you need to know about murder can be gleaned from TV. Disposing of the body is more than half the battle. That corpse is a veritable body of evidence; trust me, you don’t want them finding that. I will be detailing successful methods of disposal in my next edition. So until then, happy murdering.

crazy murder

Bonus: If you have the time and REALLY want to make a go at this, get a job in the justice industry. Don’t do blood spatter or crime scene photographer, Dexter already took that and it’s now a suspicious position. For all intents and purposes, you could be the file clerk in the precinct basement, reading through all the case files, even pulling open case files on your own handiwork. Feel free to masturbate. by Kyle Fried

BONUS VIDEO: Disposing of a Body

China Has Us In Its Icy Fangs

China has us in its icy fangs. Are you aware of this? After much discussion with people who concern themselves with things of this sort, I’ve come to the conclusion that we should start preparing for their furtive invasion. If we can imagine the Chinese America of the future then we can start planning on how best to exploit it.

So what would they do first? This is important. We must be able to predict and thereby survive the first wave of new order, the alternative is too unsavory. I think the first thing they’ll do is add more MSG to their food. They will weaken us, give us headaches, lower the efficiency of our tastebuds. But more importantly, MSG is a great preservative which means they will be able to feed us older food, which means a greater profit margin for them, further increasing their reign. Well played China.

Next they’ll probably make Mandarin even harder to learn. Am I really expected to the sounds I usually make when lifting something really heavy and turn those into an effective form of communication? And don’t get me started on alphabets, which evil Chinese mastermind decided to have a billion symbols and multiple dialects? So they’re gonna come over and talk shit about us to our faces and there’s nothing we can do about it. I’m not even willing to pay for Rosetta stone to prevent this, that’s how easy it’s going to be for them to take this place if they want it. But they have to do it silently, because Jesus knows how good we are at winning underdog wars.

Tertiarily, they will continue to all look the same, which would mean one of them could punch you in the face and then when you get up to distribute some retribution, you don’t know who to hit. How could this possibly get any worse? Perhaps if there were a BILLION of them, oh wait, there are. So, fuck. I’ve decided we’re powerless to Chinese takeover unless we’re willing to stop buying everything except bacon and chevy. I can only assume my toothbrush is made somewhere in asia, don’t know what I have to do to not fund our impending doom.

I guess… just make sure you have a chinese friend. If you’re not on good terms with your current one, fix it. If you don’t have one at all, get one. Yao Ming is up for grabs, he’s money in the bank.

by Kyle Fried

chinese communism