During the span of your 80 years on this earth, you are expected to eat for nearly 3.5 years, spend 6 months on the toilet, 12 years watching TV, 4 years on the telephone, 2 weeks kissing, work for a total of 9 years, sleep for 25 years, be able to put a name to 2,000 people but only able to call 150 of them friends, sleep with 5, fall in love with 2, but have sex 2,580 times. You are expected to have two kids, who will in turn have two kids, and only two of your eight grandchildren will even remember your name. What a life.
1. You were shushed by god. That depression underneath your nose, it’s called a philtrum. (Which translates to love potion.) It used to be a somewhat popular belief that this is the spot where god or an angel shushed you so that you wouldn’t tell everyone all the secrets of heaven or your past life or whatever. It’s no coincidence that your philtrum leads directly into Cupid’s bow, which is when someone’s top lip looks like a bow. As in bow and arrow.
2. Your hair is as strong as copper. Yeah, at first glance that doesn’t make sense. But think about it, if you were to take a spool of copper and give it the same diameter of a strand of hair, it wouldn’t be all too strong either. This fact keeps Gillette in business.
3. You have crystals in your ears. Ever wonder how you’re able to balance? Isn’t it obvious, tiny pools covered with tiny crystals hiding in your ears. When you are looking straight ahead, the pools are balanced, the crystals are parallel to the ground, all is well. If you look up… OMG I’m gonna fall!
4. Testicles and ovaries are the same. Same shape, same size. Just so happens that girls tuck theirs inside while guys let it all hang out. Oh, and while I’m at it, I’d like to debunk the saying, “hot as balls.” The whole reason balls hang out in their own little bachelor sack is to keep them cooler than the rest of the body. Sperm die if they get too warm.
5. You feed billions. In your lifetime, you will shed roughly 42lbs of skin. 80% of the motes (just another word for crap) floating around in those photogenic sunbeams is dead skin. And have you noticed how your favorite pillow weighs more over time? It’s not because it’s full of nostalgia, it’s because it’s home to tens of millions of mites and their mountains of poop made of your dead skin.
6. If you were born in space, you’d be completely useless. Remember the ear crystals I mentioned? Well, for starters, those would no longer be able to tell you which way is up, because your body never knew there was a down. Also, without gravity, our bones would never set into our cartilage and our muscles would atrophy. I know this is my second reference to Wall-E, BUT… that shit is true. If we were to spend enough time in space, our bones would separate in such a way that our skeletons became obsolete.
7. Your poop is primarily brown because of all the dead red blood cells that have run their course.
8. Every cell in your body is eventually renewed or replaced, except for the majority of the ones in your heart. How poetic. In order to counter such a lovely fact, I’d like to tell you that doctors are able to make 3 basketball courts-worth of skin using a single baby’s schmuck. For those of you who don’t speak Yiddish, that means its foreskin.
9. Your brain is capable of driving every car, motorbike, bus, and taxi in England, all at the same time, and not get into a single accident. That’s a little hard to believe considering most of us get in accidents driving just our one car. Well, what you’re not taking into account is that your brain is responsible for tens of millions of tasks every hour. Any idea what kind of crap goes on to keep your body heat regulated? You know you generate enough heat every 30 min to boil half a gallon of water? How about digestion, breathing, circulation… if your brain wasn’t in charge of this stuff, you’d be able to use a lot more of it.
10. Mammary glands are modified sweat glands. That’s as far as I’m willing to go.