20 things it’s hard to be good at:
1. Grammar – While this should be easy, you will get made fun of if you use it properly in real life. You wouldn’t even be reading this if the title had been “20 things at which it is hard to be good.”
2. Flipping (a lot) – I really don’t think it would take all that much effort for me to learn to do a flip, but have you ever seen those people, who, if given enough room could flip all the way to work? Fact – flipping too much can make your boobs never grow.
3. Making the right decision – You order a drink. “Medium or large?”, they say. Well shit, the medium costs less but the large is only 15 cents more, but what are the reprecussions of drinking that extra 4 ounces. Similar bouts of reasoning occur secretly every time you go into a store and decide not to rob it or every time you walk by a flight of stairs and decide not to throw yourself down it.
4. Being a hero – I can’t remember the last time I got the chance to be a hero. And don’t give me any of that princess talk about “you can be a hero in little ways!”, I want to save someone’s life god damnit. Where’s the mugging I can thwart, where’s the asshole who’s supposed to be dangling above rushing rapids?
5. Remembering your dreams – this one makes me want to die. I can remember the color of my poop from a week back but damned if I could tell you what I dreamt a couple hours ago.
6. Hanging out – This used to be retardedly easy. My friends used to drop in without asking, or I’d come downstairs and my brother had a bunch of friends over. It was awesome. But once you’ve entered the working world i n Los Angeles you have to schedule your drop-in’s because time is too precious to be “wasted”. BAH!
7. Making anything – I can make food but that doesn’t really count because it’s already food before I made it into something else, so really all I’m doing is re-arranging food.
8. Eating properly – I faintly recall a time when a plate had more than one type of food on it. Some green stuff, some starchy thing, and meat. Yeah, that sounds right. Now there’s that huge block of cheese on my plate and sometimes I eat my fingernails.
9. Not using adverbs – Stephen King has gone on a crusade to get people to stop using adverbs. Well then how the shit am I supposed to tell him i’m axiously awaiting his next book?
10. Not sucking – Ever read one of those paragraph-long bio’s on some person who accomplished more by age 25 than you will in your entire life? Yeah, that’s you sucking.
11. Looking like you want to look – It would have a lot more fun if we all got to go through a “character creation” screen before being born. And i don’t mean you alter your face a bit or change your hair color. I’m coming at this from the Spore angle where you’ve never seen what any living thing on earth looks like and you create a species from scratch.
12. Talking to people – expectations, obligations, opinions, ugh..
13. Staying (relatively) smart (if you ever were) – all that stuff you learned? Useless. You’ve got your job and all they need you to use is that incredibly small bubble of life skills you learned when you were 6, like how a phone works.
14. Learning a language with a different alphabet – yeah,I’m with you America, not even gonna bother.
15. The Krispy Kreme challenge – I’m of course referring to the race that requires you to run two miles to Krispy Kreme , eat one dozen doughnuts (totaling 2,400 calories and 144 grams of fat), and run two miles back from whence you came, all in under an hour.
16. Leading multiple lives – ever heard of those guys that have secret families on the side? What the hell is happening there? Most people can barely handle one. Why would you even do that?
17. Implementing buddhist beliefs – I’m pretty sure that everyone who was born into a capitalist culture and is classified by the IRS as poverty line gets pretty pissed about receiving a $75 parking ticket, no matter how much you believe we are the interconnected children of the universe. And even if you ARE able to believe that, then that means some part of you is a meter maid. How’s that feel?
18. Avoiding nostalgia – nostalgia has always been described as bittersweet, and for that reason about half the world would like to avoid it and the other half relish its warm embrace. The nostalgia i’m talking about however, is the kind that rushes into you when you see a ninja turtle action figure and realize, “Fuck, I used to play with those and now I don’t.” This shit sucks. Becaues even if you go get a bunch of action figures, you don’t have the imagination you once did where you bash the two piece of green plastic together while making CHHH CHHH sounds, thereby controlling one of the most epic battles ever fought. Nor would society let you feel okay about doing that. People in the airport would make weird faces at you. And what’s worse is that they wouldn’t even know why.
19. Starting a rebellion – I have no idea how to go about doing this. I can barely motivate a handful of friends to be in the same place for any period of time. So, kudos to whomever started that stuff in Egypt. Hey, maybe I can be good at grammar.
20. Life – why can’t we just be balls of energy that travel faster than light and communicate without language. UGH…