China has us in its icy fangs. Are you aware of this? After much discussion with people who concern themselves with things of this sort, I’ve come to the conclusion that we should start preparing for their furtive invasion. If we can imagine the Chinese America of the future then we can start planning on how best to exploit it.
So what would they do first? This is important. We must be able to predict and thereby survive the first wave of new order, the alternative is too unsavory. I think the first thing they’ll do is add more MSG to their food. They will weaken us, give us headaches, lower the efficiency of our tastebuds. But more importantly, MSG is a great preservative which means they will be able to feed us older food, which means a greater profit margin for them, further increasing their reign. Well played China.
Next they’ll probably make Mandarin even harder to learn. Am I really expected to the sounds I usually make when lifting something really heavy and turn those into an effective form of communication? And don’t get me started on alphabets, which evil Chinese mastermind decided to have a billion symbols and multiple dialects? So they’re gonna come over and talk shit about us to our faces and there’s nothing we can do about it. I’m not even willing to pay for Rosetta stone to prevent this, that’s how easy it’s going to be for them to take this place if they want it. But they have to do it silently, because Jesus knows how good we are at winning underdog wars.
Tertiarily, they will continue to all look the same, which would mean one of them could punch you in the face and then when you get up to distribute some retribution, you don’t know who to hit. How could this possibly get any worse? Perhaps if there were a BILLION of them, oh wait, there are. So, fuck. I’ve decided we’re powerless to Chinese takeover unless we’re willing to stop buying everything except bacon and chevy. I can only assume my toothbrush is made somewhere in asia, don’t know what I have to do to not fund our impending doom.
I guess… just make sure you have a chinese friend. If you’re not on good terms with your current one, fix it. If you don’t have one at all, get one. Yao Ming is up for grabs, he’s money in the bank.
by Kyle Fried