crazy murder

How to Get Away with Murder, Literally

I’ve watched enough TV now to have a pretty good handle on how to do this. You’ve got your Law and Order, your CSI, Bones, Cold Case, First 48, The Wire, Dexter, Dragnet, It Takes a Thief, Matlock, Murder She wrote, Monk, Night Court, etc… I mean come on, with all of the quality programming that illustrates the inner workings of the justice system, how are murders even being figured out anymore. Maybe if we were in the Minority Report era I’d understand. But in today’s world, even if you commit a crime of passion there are ways to dispose of the body and remedy your impulsive behavior (see my next post).

1. Wear Proper Attire and Vary It Wear gloves. This one is obvious, but a quality tip nonetheless. Use latex or preferably neoprene seeing as latex allergies are on the rise and if your victim shows signs of a rash, they’ll already know part of your M.O. Don’t use leather; it collects too much DNA, inside and out. You’ll also want to spend time choosing the pair of shoes that’s right for you. Some prefer boots, and for good reason, but if this is your first time, you may want to consider a pair of sneakers. Not only do they allow you to sneak better, they provide wonderful flexibility if you are to make a mistake and allow your victim to let out a yell or a scream and alert a hapless neighbor, in which case you’ll want to make a hasty escape. As you mature, be sure to vary your choice so as not to leave a consistent footprint.

2. Don’t Have a Motive/Kill a stranger This is integral to your success as a murderer. The easiest way for them to find you is if you killed someone in your circle of friends, ESPECIALLY if you have have a motive. I mean sure, you should have a deep-seated motive like curbing overpopulation, but certainly don’t share a bed or a needle or a grandma with your vic. Don’t murder a homeless person, it’s lazy and nobody respects that. But I will say you’d do well to find someone who might as well be homeless. Someone that nobody cares about but still has enough means to protect themselves that your kill garners the appropriate ovation.

3. Make a Clean Kill Look, I’m not here to tell you how to do your job. If you want a bloody gory mess, fine, whatever. It just means a ton more work on cleanup. And we all know that that’s the least interesting and most tedious part of murder. So do yourself a favor and pick a method that is both satisfying and professional. A syringe is nice, chemically induced cardiac arrest? That won’t do it for some people. How about a 6-inch titanium needle through the ear canal? Better yet, ever hear of pithing? With enough practice you can sever a person’s brain from their brain stem, rendering them completely paralyzed, yet conscious. It all depends on the type of murderer you plan to be.

4. Clean up So your victim is dead. Congratulations. Now it’s time to retrace your steps. How did it all go down? Did you have to kick the door in? If so, stage a robbery so as to lead the coppers down the wrong path a little ways. Did the victim scratch your face? You’ll have to take the finger. You could just clean out the nail bed but it’s best to be safe. There are a million things to consider here so if you can’t answer them yourself, just shoot me an email through a proxy, from an anonymous account.

5. Alibi Some people ask me, “But shouldn’t I have an alibi?” The answer is no. Fuck no. Alibi for what? If you even get fingered as a suspect then you deserve to get caught. If you’ve followed my guideline, even loosely, then you’ll never be bothered for crap like that. Let’s say you DID screw up, I’ll grant you one mulligan. Now you need an alibi. Best case scenario, you have a senile grandparent in your care who will claim you were there all night feeding them mush when in reality you built a robotic arm to do it for you. Since not all of us are that lucky, you need to research all the local book signings the night of the event. Be sure to purchase (in person, in cash) a signed copy of the book from that night. When asked where you were at such and such time on such and such night, you tell them you were at the book signing and you show them the proof. A true professional would also read the book and bone up on the author’s background so as to come across as a dedicated fan. Conclusion: Should any law enforcement come across this article, I can honestly say I’ve never murdered another human being *wink wink*. I don’t need to, everything you need to know about murder can be gleaned from TV. Disposing of the body is more than half the battle. That corpse is a veritable body of evidence; trust me, you don’t want them finding that. I will be detailing successful methods of disposal in my next edition. So until then, happy murdering.

crazy murder

Bonus: If you have the time and REALLY want to make a go at this, get a job in the justice industry. Don’t do blood spatter or crime scene photographer, Dexter already took that and it’s now a suspicious position. For all intents and purposes, you could be the file clerk in the precinct basement, reading through all the case files, even pulling open case files on your own handiwork. Feel free to masturbate. by Kyle Fried

BONUS VIDEO: Disposing of a Body

209 thoughts on “How to Get Away with Murder, Literally”

  1. It is moderately easy to get away with murder if you know how. Who the fuck does that stupid bitch “Anjelika” think she is?

  2. I think u guys should definitely give more examples,but anyway I think u should always keep a clear mind and never panic or over think and never kill on impulse

  3. I’ve told that a good murder weapon is a sharp chard of ice. I’m not so sure though. Disposal of the body and any evidence is probably the biggest hurdle. Although I do remember a story about a missing girl who was believed to have been thrown into a crocodile infested swamp. I think she’s still classed as missing to this day. Don’t find many crocs in Europe though.

  4. Talking about this is all well and good but do you think that the monitoring systems don’t have each and every one of our address already for even being in a site like this. I understand that its all really congecture, but even talking about this stuff and typing that into google doesn’t that send up red flags? There ya go first mistake was even looking. The shard of Ice thing is pretty clever I wont lie, melts away just make sure that your on the move and you don’t stand there and have it melt into one spot on the carpet that would be BAD!!!!!

  5. im trying to kill my brother , he’s annoying and i really hope this works out . if i get caught , i’ll send for you . lol…

  6. i only searched this because my teacher said my personality is of someone who would be fascinated by serial killer books and after im done reading the book im going to write an essay i thought this would help. the lord loves us all!

  7. I’m gonna murder my ex bf…..he been wit many bitches, they ain’t gonna suspect me….even tho I’m fckin crazy
    Lol

    1. If your joking lmfao….. If your serious your fucking retarded because this little post is now saved in your computer… Even if u erase your hard drive its not really erased trust me. The fact that u visited this site is in your history, and even if you deleted it your ISP will still have a record. And since your his ex and your seriously plotting to murder him, you’ve probably have had temper tantrums or fits of rage in front of people which would turn you from person of intrest to suspect… And this post will make you prime suspect. The way the justice system works they can put you away on a case completely based on circumstantiol evidence. Don’t be stupid. Again… If ur joking lmfao

  8. I leave no signs of struggle and I incinerate my bodies with an ox-acetelyne torch with a Rosebud Tip. Teeth don’t burn but they become brittle with the extreme heat and are easily pulverized into powder with a sledge hammer along with the pelvis. Once they are burnt in a metal container; all that’s left is to flush the ashes in a random public restroom. Use the torch you burnt the body with to cut up your metal box you burnt them in and drop it off at any scrap yard 😀 Ahhh I love being soo Successful

  9. im gona kill my ex crush she emberresed me infront of everyone for crushing on her now her and her bestfriend are gona die.

  10. WORLD PEACE <3 DON'T KILL PEOPLE )': let's just all be happy and make love with eachother while riding a unicorn down a giant rainbow of smiles. I love you all <3
    ~Brenda

  11. I have killed a few people back in the early 90’s and put a couple others in a coma . I still got the urge to kill a couple more cause their pedophiles . I dont have the connections I once did with a special agent who kept me outta trouble with the police . poor me now I gotta see this pedophiles every day walking and grinning cause th got away with child molestation.

  12. umm… How old are you exactly? And why would you provide people with this kind of information? Wow…. You have a problem…. Encouraging people to kill….. thats in humane… You should feel ASHAMED

  13. I think you should get your tools like a year before the murder and get the tools 3 at a time every 3 months or so and don’t get your size in anything, but don’t get to big attire to where you might trip or let the victim grab on. Don’t use chemicals because the cops might find the body and do an autopsy. I recommended stabbing one clean charge to a main organ or heart and have something to collect the blood ready to grab. Also when you buy the tools remove your finger prints and never touch it unless you wearing gloves, wear a hair net, paint all exposing skin, and try to not speak.

    P.S. remember Jesus loves you.

      1. I award 3 points to annegb for invoking the name of Sipowitz. You know, sometimes I think the Tribune is a little biased, but you remember that guy Slim Goodbody? Now that guy is a grade A douchebag. What with his organs all exposed and trying to talk to kids about his body… HUMAN GARBAGE – tha8;#t217&s what he is!

  14. I BEEN PLANIN AH MURDER..BUT NOT QUITE SURE IM GONNA GET AWAY WIT IT.. I WAS THINKING BOUT SETTIN DA HOUSE ON FIRE AND DEN RUNNIN OUT LIKE I SURVIVED….LOL

  15. I’m a cereal killer, I got rid of that pedophile from the Cinnamon Toast Crunch box, that niggas dead. If you think abortion is murder, then you might as well call blowjobs and swallowing the sperm that follows cannabilism! Happy hunting everyone.

  16. Im a bit surprised i actually found something on this.. I was juss looking for the lyrics to a song but.. You forgot one thing.. They can check for weight from the impressions from your feet in the dirt. So wear weights around your ankles… And if you want to confuse them. Wear two different shoes in two different sizes. Oh AND bleach everyhing you touch and bleach every spot the blood touched.

  17. Oh. AND if the person sees you make sure you cut and dye your hair afterwards… And just in case they see your eyes. Wear colored contacts…

  18. Wow, I came here for ideas to write a book… I didn’t realise so many people actually want to commit murder. Now I’m genuinely worried some random person is going to murder me because they got bored D:

  19. Wow what a bunch of pathetic people. I googled the name of this site for my own amusement. What do I see? A bunch of pathetic people who will never have the guts to murder anyone.
    I don’t plan to kill anyone but if I did, I would fuck the corpse and then eat it too. Yummy! Would anyone care for a plate of this fine meat?

  20. Its sad to think people have lost touch with there humanity. Killing someone should be a lovely thing well prepared . The last thing they see should be your smiling face and maybe a heart felt ” This is gonna hurt you more than me ” Cold Calm and collected. with maybe a small giggle just to install fear into there soles. I say soles as once you start its a fast ride to becoming a cereal killer , so frosties tiger watch out. Were gonna get you.

  21. WOW. i had no clue people do this shit for fun. hmm im bored ill just go kill someone. that makes sense. NOT. seek help

  22. This is why I can’t wait for the shit to hit the fan, then I don’t even have to take the time to be careful. I’ll just get to perch up on a nice overwatch and pick off all you people one at a time. That being said, I do have a notch in my pistol for the “self defence” kill I actually have. (Zimmerman would be so envious) But blades are the best way to go.. Guns for show, knives for a pro. Always wanted to be more of a Red John myself though.

  23. I like to ate ate ate aples and banaynays, I like to eat eat eat eeples and baneenees, I like to ite ite ite iples and banie nies, I like to ote ote ote oples and banonos, I like to oot oot oot ooples and banoonoos. 😀

  24. I haven’t killed someone but oh I think of it everyday. A lot of people think about killing someone but most of the time that’s only because they are angry or frustrated with that person. But my desire to feel what killing someone really feels like is far beyond just an imagination. I personally think the human race is disgusting and ugly. Everybody is brainwashed but we just don’t see it. We are brainwashed from the day we hit 3-4 to most likely the day we die. We are all judgemental, hypercritical, stereotypical.. est The only thing that drives people is money , for me success. I’m only 15, barely seen the world but for what I have seen; Is murder really what it’s made out to be?

    1. Dear Distant, I’m 16. I couldn’t agree with you more about everything you just wrote. I would enjoy having a conversation with you. Please contact me I’m not to computer savvy though.

  25. If you have the need to kill someone you personally hate and others know of your dislike this is my advice and it WORKS. If you want to get away with it, it has to be public. Why? Because in order to get away with the murder of one individual you know you must kill many before. Make sure that you do not know them and that there is a connection between all of them and its not you. maybe for those at large school or work place it can be the school or work place that they go to. If it is a small school or work place it could be a common acquaintance of THEIRS and you cant know that person another plus to that is there is a person to be accused for the murders but if they get arrested for it STOP killing immediately and if they are innocent or removed from police custody resume with it.

  26. Hmmm,Lol you people make me wana cry out of amusement!! Ever thought about not killing someone in person but letting someone else/a group of people to kill someone. It’s quite easy really all these socials rooms…(for the dumb guys you’ll be untraceable) Well Bingo baby It’s like tipping a message to a group that studies at a college you just have to mind Fuck a group of people there’s always the odd one out who hates a guy and you just have to encourage him it’s like playing God!! Oh yeah perfect murder go to a jungle area and let a girl fall in love with you and then feed her to an annaconda Lol… Classy

  27. come to think about it,its a lot like this web page helping you encouraging to kill because you think you won’t get away with it,hmm guess what chances are good that you will be caught and if you dont then boy oh boy you’re gonna suffer big time in hell cause you’ll need to answer for it one day.if you wana kill someone kill your self and then tell god you were thinking of him because you didn’t want to harm anyone else

  28. It would be simple to kill a prostitute or drug dealer or the like as long as you made sure they were not well protected. Homeless people are not as impressive to kill, but if you had fun with them, made a bit of a scene, you’d get a nice bit of publicity. Go a bit Jack the Ripper with it, and you might even get on national news. But if you kill for the publicity and notoriety, you need to be incredibly careful in everything you do. You might as well roll yourself in saran wrap before you get there. If you murder someone in a different state/ region without telling anyone you’ll be there, it will be much more difficult for the police to trace it back to you. As a side note, everyone who comments here with advice is leaving information for the police on how the minds of killers work, and you are likely bringing yourself closer to prison by the letter.

  29. i have killed three men… in afgan.. i was in the marine corp.. im not ganna say i enjoyed it but at the same time im not ganna say i didnt. but the pure power of taking a mans life with just the twich of seven muscles that control your trigger finger is amazing… the brain matter hitting the wall behind one of the guys i shot was also a sign of true power of the index finger. if you wanna kill someone do it…. your probably ganna get caught but then again there are the lucky ones.go to canada or a diff country…. ghost a mother fucker and come back to the states. that simple. i have never murdered anyone. so any of the investigators looking into this website.. i was bored at 330 in the morning and just wanted to see what popped up on google lol

  30. oh and the picture at the top of the web page…. i have seen that movie. weird movie.. been blown up to many times to remember the name of it thou.

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