You can check out the podcast here:

http://fanboycomics.net/podcasts/fbs-week-in-review/399-ep-032-the-fanboy-scoop-week-in-review

I always thought I would want to see a ghost. But this encounter changed my mind FOREVER. Ghosts are real.

Prepare yourself to be shocked.

First question: What the hell is a Bitcoin?  In a nutshell, it’s a digital currency that is going to revolutionize the world.  Here’s a handy-dandy FAQ about Bitcoins if you are completely lost.

1) Now you can buy drugs.

Always wanted to buy a handful of marijuana leaves or a sock full of crack cocaine?  If drugs were sold this way, you’d totally be able to.  The transactions seem reminiscent of that time in middle school when you paid the fat kid with the divorced parents a twenty dollar bill to score you some pot.  But in the same way that the fat kid could disappear, bring you a bag of oregano, or actually deliver the drugs you needed to conform, your online salesman can make any of the same choices.

2) Don’t want to pay taxes? Get paid in BTC.

Think the IRS is going to be able to track your bitcoin income??  HAHAHA!!! They still use Internet Explorer 6 over there… do you think they’ve even HEARD of bitcoins?!?  The reality is that if your transactions take place with bitcoins, it’s even easier to hide than cash.  Rather than stuff the mattress you can just load up your jump drive and stick in your pocket (or your mattress for old time’s sake).

3) Every time your computer crashes you will be broke again.

Might I suggest upgrading from your poorly-engineered, easily-hacked, Windows-based piece of shit?  Because your coins can only be in one location at a time and are stored on your hard drive, if your computer crashes, the money is gone.  You can move your bitcoins back and forth pretty easily if you’re having troubles with your PC, but if your monthly allowance is on your laptop, I wouldn’t be drinking Four Loko too close to it because one spill could bankrupt your virtual wallet.

4) You play a no-risk lottery every day.

Coins are created at regular intervals and if you have selected “Generate Coins” then there is a chance that the next time you check Bitcoin program, you will be sitting on 50 freshly (digitally) minted BTC.  Sure, the people who are running super-computers and “mining” are significantly more likely to score the digital cash before you are.  And sure, as the difficulty changes over time to compensate for the amount of people generating coins your chances will dwindle from incredibly rare to infinitesimal.  But that’s like the real lottery anyway.

5) You’ll forget the value of the dollar.

Besides the fact that the value of Bitcoins are extremely volatile, as you gradually shift more and more of your life and money into the shadow economy, the dollar will become as obsolete as a Tamagotchi.  Hell, with our current policies in place, the dollar may not have any value soon enough anyway.  Might as well go ahead and convert to Bitcoins!

by CC Pearce
a guy who got really sketchy while researching this article

During the span of your 80 years on this earth, you are expected to eat for nearly 3.5 years, spend 6 months on the toilet, 12 years watching TV, 4 years on the telephone, 2 weeks kissing, work for a total of 9 years, sleep for 25 years, be able to put a name to 2,000 people but only able to call 150 of them friends, sleep with 5, fall in love with 2, but have sex 2,580 times. You are expected to have two kids, who will in turn have two kids, and only two of your eight grandchildren will even remember your name. What a life.

1. You were shushed by god. That depression underneath your nose, it’s called a philtrum. (Which translates to love potion.) It used to be a somewhat popular belief that this is the spot where god or an angel shushed you so that you wouldn’t tell everyone all the secrets of heaven or your past life or whatever. It’s no coincidence that your philtrum leads directly into Cupid’s bow, which is when someone’s top lip looks like a bow. As in bow and arrow.

2. Your hair is as strong as copper. Yeah, at first glance that doesn’t make sense. But think about it, if you were to take a spool of copper and give it the same diameter of a strand of hair, it wouldn’t be all too strong either. This fact keeps Gillette in business.

3. You have crystals in your ears. Ever wonder how you’re able to balance? Isn’t it obvious, tiny pools covered with tiny crystals hiding in your ears. When you are looking straight ahead, the pools are balanced, the crystals are parallel to the ground, all is well. If you look up… OMG I’m gonna fall!

4. Testicles and ovaries are the same. Same shape, same size. Just so happens that girls tuck theirs inside while guys let it all hang out. Oh, and while I’m at it, I’d like to debunk the saying, “hot as balls.” The whole reason balls hang out in their own little bachelor sack is to keep them cooler than the rest of the body. Sperm die if they get too warm.

5. You feed billions. In your lifetime, you will shed roughly 42lbs of skin. 80% of the motes (just another word for crap) floating around in those photogenic sunbeams is dead skin. And have you noticed how your favorite pillow weighs more over time? It’s not because it’s full of nostalgia, it’s because it’s home to tens of millions of mites and their mountains of poop made of your dead skin.

6. If you were born in space, you’d be completely useless. Remember the ear crystals I mentioned? Well, for starters, those would no longer be able to tell you which way is up, because your body never knew there was a down. Also, without gravity, our bones would never set into our cartilage and our muscles would atrophy. I know this is my second reference to Wall-E, BUT… that shit is true. If we were to spend enough time in space, our bones would separate in such a way that our skeletons became obsolete.

7. Your poop is primarily brown because of all the dead red blood cells that have run their course.

8. Every cell in your body is eventually renewed or replaced, except for the majority of the ones in your heart. How poetic. In order to counter such a lovely fact, I’d like to tell you that doctors are able to make 3 basketball courts-worth of skin using a single baby’s schmuck. For those of you who don’t speak Yiddish, that means its foreskin.

9. Your brain is capable of driving every car, motorbike, bus, and taxi in England, all at the same time, and not get into a single accident. That’s a little hard to believe considering most of us get in accidents driving just our one car. Well, what you’re not taking into account is that your brain is responsible for tens of millions of tasks every hour. Any idea what kind of crap goes on to keep your body heat regulated? You know you generate enough heat every 30 min to boil half a gallon of water? How about digestion, breathing, circulation… if your brain wasn’t in charge of this stuff, you’d be able to use a lot more of it.

10. Mammary glands are modified sweat glands. That’s as far as I’m willing to go.

I’ll tell you why.

MONDAY sees you refreshed from the weekend.  Remember all that fun you had on Saturday and Sunday?  It’s still wafting over you, like God’s fart.

By WEDNESDAY you’ve made it halfway through the week. If this were WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE, you’d be at $500,000!  It’s also hump day, so do with that what you will.

THURSDAY is oft referred to as ‘little friday’.  You are so close to the end of the week that you can taste its weekendy goodness.

And FRIDAY you’re wasted.  So it doesn’t even count.

BUT TUESDAY.  UGH TUESDAY.  On Tuesday there’s nothing to live for.  There’s more days in front of you than behind you.  The magic of the previous weekend’s worn off.  You think ‘taco tuesday’ will save you?  It won’t, unless you want to spend Wednesday in the bathroom.

The only thing more disappointing than Tuesday is Sunday, when you roll up to Chick-fil-A only to discover IT’S CLOSED.

DAMN YOU, CHICK-FIL-A!

People are busy these days. So busy that all they really want is some peace and quiet, maybe do some sailing or spend a night around a camp fire, you know, just to get away from it all. Huh… that’s weird because our ancestors used to do that shit on a daily basis. And oddly enough the reason we’re so busy today is due to those exact same ancestors making what they believed was progress. I’m scared to think that 20 years from now I might be yearning to give a powerpoint presentation because somehow that would be peaceful luxury as compared to whatever hell we’ve entrenched ourselves in by 2031.

Here are 10 examples of how our current definition of progress is stupid:

1. Exercise/Jogging/Hiking

Jogging is not normal. Nobody did that shit a hundred years ago. Why would they? Your life expectancy was too short to actually see the benefits of a staunch cardiovascular routine– nor did you have much fat to burn. And don’t get me started on hiking. People used to break their backs smuggling 80lbs bags of rice over the mountains to keep their towns fed, and now we gayly jaunt up these rock behemoths and call it a nice outing.

2. Tanning

Yeah, sure, the sun has always felt nice on human skin, save for albino’s and those people who get rashes. But if a cowboy took a time machine here and landed on a beach he’d be like “WTF are these greasy nekkid people splayed out in the sun all dead-like for?!?” People used to have to work outside and were tan as shit whether they liked it or not. They again attempted progress and we ended up indoors with AC but at the cost of being pale, fat, and listless. Good job ancestors.

3. Sailing

This is how we used to get places. It was like some big god damn adventure where you kiss people goodbye at the port, not knowing if you’ll ever see them again. You got on a ship and it changed your life forever. But now? Now you grab your pastel polo and your faux captain’s hat and prepare to be whisked 20-30 minutes away from shore for some good undulatory therapy.

“Cheese platter, Steve?”

“No thanks, I’m still full from all that beluga caviar and ostrich labia.”

So, what used to be the biggest adventure of your life is now 3hr window in which you’re expected to grab a handful of chèvre and masturbate into the wind while wondering how your portfolio is doing.

4. Stargazing

We used to NEED the stars. Goes back to sailing. Think about it, there’s a map in the sky and you can’t read it because you no longer have to. That’s not progress! In fact, we’ve “progressed” so far that in most cities you can’t see 95% of the stars anyway. When’s the last time you connected the dots and made up your own constellation? Never. We’re phasing out the imaginaton.

5. Sleeping/Eating Outdoors

This is like, one of those “ooh, honey, should we?” things. “Should we change things up and eat at our outside table tonight? Should we Mary-Ann? And then maybe this weekend we could get out the old tent and sleep in the back yard.”

“Steve, what has gotten into you?!?”

“Don’t worry Mary-Ann, we’ll bring the duvet, I haven’t gone completely fucking insane!”

6. Watching Sunrise/Sunset

Again, goes back to stargazing. But this time, instead of the sky being a map, it was a clock. Imagine that. We once had a clock that produced some of the most dazzling and vibrant images known to our brains, yet we decided to change it out for a black and white thing with dashes that makes a ticking sound. Sweet.

7. Free Time

Everything we’ve ever invented has been for the sake of pleasure and making life easier so that we could have more of this. But instead we created a world where it’s a precious commodity. How does this make sense? We’ve extended our life spans by 30-60 years (depending on how far back you go) yet, still, we complain we don’t have enough free time. We’re stupid.

8. Camp Fires

Romantic, epic, primal, warm, camp fires are all those things and more. Conversations had while around them are etched  into your brain 50 times deeper than conversations had to the tune of buzzing flourescent tubes.  I’ll admit it’s nice to have gotten away from mosquitoes, but surely we could have made fire pits more common.  If I met someone who was carrying a torch, I would remember every word they said for the rest of my life, guaranteed.

9. Quiet

We had this and then we went and fucked it all up. Now when I hear silence I think something is wrong. I’m not kidding. I’m sure you’ve heard that in isolation chambers your imagination goes absolutely BONKERS. So we traded in the lucid day dreaming of yesterday for the… what… what did we get, TV? I’m just trying to think why we would ever trade free hallucinations for expensive inanimate objects.

10. Dieting

I’m willing to guess that the state of Rhode Island houses more obese people than have ever existed between the period of 10,000 BC and 1000 AD. During those 11,000 years, there might have been two-thousand people who should have considered dieting. They were usually gluttonous, royal, orgy-masters. Everyone else was already skinny, fit, or dying of some plague.

Conclusion: Have you seen Wall-E? That’s our future. Jelly-boned blobs bombarded by social suggestion and lugged around by hover-lazy-boys without memory of things like “dancing” and “slip-n-slides.”

An estimated 1 in 5 people have experienced a sexual assault by their favorite body of water.

Actors:
Sarah Roach
Cameron Fife
Robert Stephens

Special thanks to John Skalicky for letting us film at his pool!

Video trivia: Did you know that this sketch was shot with a REAL GUN? It’s true. We made sure there was no ammunition in it, but this is not a prop gun.  It is a real gun that can kill people.  This is the same gun that is used in Chris Erb’s series “How to be a Man.”

Also, special thank to Sammy Kerzner who helped with some camera work.  Another person who asked not be credited also did an awesome job for us as well, so thank you mystery person!

We thought we’d let everyone know with a little song!

Lyrics:
We’ve got big news
We’ve got to buy some baby shoes

I was like BAM, BAM, BAM
that p*ssy’s the bomb
now I’ma be a Dad
and this b*tch gone be a Mom

She a freak in the bed
on the streets she a lady
I made that p*ssy pop
now we gone have a baby

A shawty in nine months
its gonna eat, poop, and sob
now we’re gonna have a baby
cause you wouldn’t give a blowj*b

motherf*ckers listen up
I’m gonna be a mother
I got sperminated
cause my c*ochie’s like no other
I’ll be changin diapers
that poop be stankin
But you still wan f*ck me
cause my p*ssy be yankin

In the year 2000, I turned fifteen, as did a lot of other people. Here are some of the amazing movies I can remember watching during my formative years. This is in no way a complete list of the movies I saw during that time, it’s just the ones I can remember well enough to know that they had a part in creating me. Every movie listed is from the 90′s or earlier.

I encourage you to leave comments regarding the many films I left out.

(Note: I will try to update this with links, images, quotes, and plot summaries.)

Unsorted:

1. The Goonies
2. Kindergarten Cop
3. Twins
4. The Labyrinth
5. The Wizard
6. Willow
7. The Princess Bride
8. The Neverending Story 1, 2
9. ET
10. Hook
11. The Karate Kid 1, 2
12. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
13. Little Monsters
14. The Incredible Mr. Limpet
15. One Eyed One Horned Flying Purple People Eater
16. Little Rascals
17. Dennis the Menace
18. Little Shop of Horrors
19. Ernest Scared Stupid / Ernest Goes to Camp / Ernest Goes to Jail
20. Mrs. Doubtfire
21. Nothing But Trouble
22. Radio Flyer
23. Camp Nowhere
24. Lucas
25. The Air Up There
26. Time Bandits
27. Trading Places
28. Coming to America
29. Beverly Hills Cop
30. Just One of the Guys
31. Heavy Weights
32. The Witches
33. Fast Times at Ridgemont High
34. Space Jam
35. Three Ninjas
36. Casper
37. The Lost Boys
38. Emperor’s New Groove
39. Real Genius
40. Better Off Dead
41. Teen Wolf
42. Edward Scissorhands
43. Curly Sue
44. Revenge of the Nerds
45. So I Married an Axe Murderer
46. Rainbow Bright
47. My Pet Monster
48. Chip
49. Mac and Me
50. Batteries Not Included
51. Cocoon
52. Field of Dreams
53. Krull
54. Jumanji
55. The Breakfast Club
56. War Games
57. Vice Versa
58. Brewster’s Millions
59. Death Becomes Her
60. The Mask
61. Weekend at Bernie’s
62. Soul Man
63. Back to School
64. Hackers
65. The Wizard of Oz
66. Naked Gun
67. Naked Gun 1/2
68. Airplane
69. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
70. Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure – Large Marge
71. Evil Dead
72. Spaceballs
73. Back to the Future Trilogy
74. Medicine Man
75. A Gnome Called Gnorm
76. Ghost
77. Ghost Dad
78. Ghostbusters 1 and 2
79. Sidekicks (chuck norris/johnathan brandis) “More acid rain in these jaw breakers!”
80. Look Who’s Talking
81. Look Who’s Talking Too
82. Look Who’s Talking Now
83. Cool World
84. Bloodsucking Killer Clowns from Outer Space
85. Silence of the Lambs
86. White Men Can’t Jump
87. Beetlejuice
88. Baby’s Day Out
89. Bio-Dome
90. House Party: kid & play
91. Bebe’s Kids
92. The Secret Garden
93. 
94. Johnny Mneumonic
95. Stand by Me
96. Matilda
97. Mom and Dad Save the World
98. The Addams Family
99. Flubber
100. Short Circuit
101. The Toy
102. Police Academy
103. Problem Child 1 and 2
104. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
105. Annie
106. Clue
107. Clueless
108. Porky’s
109. Encino Man
110. Stay Tuned
111. Leonard Part 6  - Bill Cosby saves the world from vegetarians using slices of bologna as weapons…
112. What’s Eating Gilbert Grape
113. HouseGuest (Starring Sinbad)
114. What about Bob
115. Terminator 1, 2
116. Batman, Batman Returns
117. Superman, Superman II
118. Dr. Doolittle
119. Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead
120. Weird Science
121. Men at work (charlie sheen/emilio estevez as garbage men)
122. Cop and a Half
123. The Jerk
124. Vacation
125. The Three Amigos
126. Can’t Hardly Wait
127. Powder
128. Indiana Jones: Temple of Doom, Raiders of the Lost Ark
129. Die Hard
130. Demolition Man
131. The Road Warrior
132. Waterworld
133. Rain Man
134. Harold and Maude
135. The World According to Garp
136. Dumb and Dumber
137. Dazed and Confused
138. Pippi Longstocking
139. Major Payne
140. Angus
141. Austin Powers 1, 2
142. Happy Gilmore
143. Billy Madison
144. Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
145. Robin Hood: Men in Tights
146. Nothing to Lose
147. Tommy Boy
148. Black Sheep
149. Coneheads

Disney Movies: (in chronological order)

1. Snow White
2. Pinocchio
3. Fantasia
4. Dumbo
5. Bambi
6. Peter Pan
7. Lady and the Tramp
8. Sleeping Beauty
9. One Hundred and One Dalmatians
10. Mary Poppins
11. Winnie the Pooh
12. The Jungle Book
13. Bedknobs and Broomsticks
14. The Rescuers
15. Pete’s Dragon
16. The Sword in the Stone
17. Popeye
18. Where Toys Come From
19. Benji
20. Flight of the Navigator
21. The Brave Little Toaster
22. Honey I Shrunk the Kids
23. The Little Mermaid
24. Rescuers Down Under
25. The Rocketeer
26. Beauty and the Beast
27. Newsies
28. Honey I Blew Up the Kids
29. The Mighty Ducks
30. Aladdin
31. Homeward Bound
32. Cool Runnings
33. Blank Check
34. The Mighty Ducks 2
35. Angels in the Outfield
36. Heavy Weights
37. Man of the House
38. Toy Story
39. James and the Giant Peach
40. First Kid
41. D:3
42. Jungle to Jungle

Macaulay Culkin Movies: (in chronological order)

1. Uncle Buck
2. Home Alone
3. My girl
4. Home alone 2
5. The Good Son
6. Page Master
7. Richie Rich

Tom Hanks Movies:

1. Big
2. A League of Their Own (also in sports)
3. The Burbs
4. The Money Pit
5. Forrest Gump
6. Apollo 13

Starring Animals: (not including Disney movies)

1. Free Willy
2. Homeward Bound
3. Babe
4. Milo and Otis
5. Feivel (An American Tail)
6. Fievel goes west
7. Harry and the Hendersons
8. Beethoven
9. The Land Before Time
10. Jurassic Park
11. Dunston Checks In
12. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 1, 2
13. A Garfield Halloween
14. Who Framed Roger Rabbit
15. Charlotte’s Web

Scary:

1. The Exorcist
2. Poltergeist
3. Jaws
4. Aliens
5. Psycho
6. The Birds
7. Leprechaun
8. Gremlins
9. Critters
10. Tremors
11. The Shining
12. The Fly
13. Carrie
14. Lawnmower Man
15. Child’s Play
16. Scream
17. In the Mouth of Madness
18. Friday the 13th Series
19. Nightmare on Elm Street
20. Halloween
21. The Boogeyman
22. The Candy Man

Sports:

1. The Big Green
2. Little Big League
3. Lady Bugs
4. Rookie of the Year
5. Angels in the Outfield (also in Disney)
6. A League of their Own (also in Hanks)
7. The Sandlot
8. Major League
9. Might Ducks 1, 2, 3 (also in Disney)

Action Stars: (with too many movies to mention)

1. Arnold Schwarzenegger
2. Steven Seagal
3. Jean-Claude Van Damme
4. Jackie Chan
5. Sylvester Stallone
6. Bruce Willis

Christmas:

1. A Charlie Brown Christmas
2. The Nightmare Before Christmas
3. A Christmas Story
4. Muppet Christmas Carol (also in Disney)
5. It’s a Wonderful Life
6. Rudolph (claymation)
7. Miracle on 34th Street
8. How the Grinch Stole Christmas
9. Frosty the Snowman
10. Scrooged

Again, I encourage you to leave comments regarding the ones I undoubtedly left out.

(Obligatory Note: although Fight Club came out in 1999, I didn’t see it until after 2000.)

If you want to make this whole smart thing work, make sure you know the word etymology. You should say it at least once somewhere in or around these other facts so that people think you are legitimately interesting rather than a scrub with a pocket full of facts. Etymology is basically the study of how words change over time, it’s their backstory. Considering the ever-dwindling attention span of the new generations, that’s about all the preface I feel I can get away with. Onto the shit!

1. Butterfly

You’ve probably never stopped to question this word. And that’s fine, because if you actually took the time to hear the words you are saying, they would all stop making sense. Butterfly comes from some idiot who messed up the way people USED TO say flutter-by, because that’s exactly what those nectar sucking harpies do. Nectar, by the way, comes from the same root as necro-, and translates to a liquid that allows you to overcome death, which was why it became known as the drink of the gods. And now we give it to insects.

A gross number of words in our language come from bastardization (i.e. – people mispronouncing it and it staying that way.) Here’s a word you can use to make you sound even SMARTER, spoonerism. A spoonerism is when you transfer the front a word you plan to say in the future onto the word you are currently saying. EX: Buck Futter (though you’d have to assume Connery was meaning to say Fuck Butter?)

2. Sophomore

Soph- comes from the greek Sophos, meaning wise (think Sophocles) and –more comes from Moros, meaning foolish (think moron). Smash ‘em together and you’ve got yourself a wise moron. I’m particularly fond of this word because it is so precise and like the others in this post, it hides in plain sight.

3. Marinara

Marinara sauce, you know, the red one that goes on spagetti.  Usually the cheapest one on the menu. There’s a reason for that, and there’s a reason it’s so popular in Italy. It just might tie the ENTIRE WORLD TOGETHER! But it doesn’t. For anyone who tried to learn any of those Romance languages (by the way, they aren’t called Romance because they’re sexy, it’s because they’re based on that language they used to speak in Rome) you should be able to notice the word Mar- in there. Mar-, meaning sea, marino is a sailor, so marinara means “pertaining to sailors”. Full translation… Sailor’s Sauce. That was just the leg work, here’s the fun part. If you’ve ever seen Italy on a map then you’d understand why they had so many sailors. When those sailors came home, their wives identified the ships by the flags, which were only discernable once the ship was about 15 minutes away from port. Once they knew it was their husband coming in and not some other lady’s, they would rush home and start making him the best meal they could that would also be ready in 15 minutes. Some smashed up tomatoes, olive oil, garlic, basil, heat…  Sailor’s sauce.

4. Pussy

I’m talking about the term we throw around when someone is being a coward. I’m willing to guess that the vast majority of people who use it think it has to do with the vagina, or perhaps a cat. Niet, it comes from, pusillanimous. Though it’s an adjective and pussy is a noun, their meaning is the same. Don’t ask me why we call vaginas that.  Vagina, by the way, means sheath, like something you put a sword into. If you are a guy and are reading this and think you should be emboldened by your dick sword… don’t.  Penis means little tail and shares the same root with the words pen and pencil.

5. Faggot

Now, this one you probably shouldn’t run around telling everyone you know considering it’s a sensitive issue. But that doesn’t stop it from being interesting. Back in the days of the witch hunts, society despised homosexuals, but not as much as they despised witches. So when they caught a witch, they would order the homosexuals in town to go out and bundle up sticks (this is the definition you thought you knew) and  they would load these bundles under the pyre where the witch was to be burned. The people would light the sticks on fire and if it happened that the witch was still alive when the bundles of sticks had run out, they would throw the homosexuals on the fire to keep it going.  Thus equivocating homosexuals to faggots.

Conclusion:

Enjoy your newfound moments of being interesting. Should you run out of ammunition, just ask the internet about the words you say every day, you’d be surprised. And  I’ll leave you with one more, although it’s not entirely related. Ever seen how they used to have places called Ye Olde Coffee Shoppe? Well Y used to be a special letter in the alphabet that indicated a th- sound. So you just just go ahead and read that as The Old Coffee Shop. Also, if you have trouble reading any latin chiseled into the facade (same root as face) just know that all those misplaced V’s are actually U’s, but U’s are too obnoxious to chisel. Mmm, knowledge, don’t it taste good (just a lengthening of the word god).

by Kyle Fried